My name is Jesse Daniel Ruf. I grew up in Agoura Hills, California. It is a small town in North Los Angeles and was a kid’s paradise. I remember playing in the creek in my backyard with lizards, snakes and frogs. I had a fearless yellow lab named Rags and he was my protector from the coyotes and mountain lions or at least I thought so. Back then kids could roam around the streets and neighborhood care-free. We only needed to be home for dinner at 6 PM. I came to realize that I had an unsatisfiable mind and craving for the effects produced by drugs and alcohol. This malady would consume my life daily.
I had my first drink around 11 or 12 years old by stealing it from my dad’s liquor cabinet. It wasn’t love at first drink, but it was an early start. Once I got into middle school I became more interested in drinking and smoking weed through the negative influences of older kids. There was a lot of peer pressure and I wanted to fit in desperately. I always felt different from my peers like something was missing. I couldn’t fit in unless I was the funny guy, aka class clown. By my freshman year in high school, I was off to the races with my drug use. I was chasing the high daily. I became a liar, cheater and a thief almost overnight. This was to conceal my daily drug habits. Looking back, its amazing how fast I turned down the wrong path at such a young age. By the time I was 16, I was a tornado leaving destruction everywhere I traveled. I played my parents against each other and was a master manipulator. I would steal your drugs and then help you look for them. My hero was Hunter S. Thomson from the movie Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I wanted to emulate that movie daily. The movie, if you haven’t seen it, is about Hunter T. and his lawyer going on a drug spree through Las Vegas.
By my senior year in high school the gig was up. I was turned in for dealing drugs on campus and my parents were notified. I was put into therapy and taken to my first AA meeting. I thought it was all a bunch of hocus pocus. If everyone would just get of my case, I would be ok. I was convinced everyone in my life was the problem, and I was not the problem. Then 9/11 happened. I watched the brutal terrorist attack happen in my homeroom class. Something told me I should join the military, and so I did.
I joined the United States Navy and made a huge transformation through boot camp. In boot camp I was forced to be sober. There was a glimmer of hope for my life in that moment. But as soon as I got to my duty station I was back to drinking again. I served in a foreign territory where the drinking age was 18. That was perfect for my thirsty appetite. I became a nightly drinker. I couldn’t drink while I was on duty but when I was off, I would drink to excess. Finally, the drinking caught up with me and the military sentenced me to alcohol classes. My sentence was for drunken fist fighting in the enlisted club. Those rehab classes didn’t work, and my counselor couldn’t get through to me. I returned to drinking every waking moment.
Then a bomb went off in my life that would change me forever. I started to feel funny. I remember feeling “off balance” all the time. I became extremely thirsty and couldn’t satisfy my craving for liquid. I got extremely dehydrated and started to lose my vision. I reported to my watch commander my symptoms and was instructed to hydrate and go to the sick bay. I went home with some over the counter medicine and tried to sleep. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t drink booze. I would get violently sick, and my vision was getting worse and worse by the day. Finally, I reported to the Navy hospital and passed out in the waiting area. I woke up 2 days later coming out of a diabetic coma. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and put on insulin therapy permanently.
I was 20 years old and angry at the world. I had served my country for 2 years and now was facing a medical review board that would deem me unfit for duty in the military. My dreams were crushed, and I wanted to die. I had spent all this time and training to become a Master at Arms (Military Police) and it was over in an instant. This fueled my alcoholism and drug use. I had what is called a “death wish.” I tried multiple unsuccessful suicide attempts. There were many visits to the hospital and just pure chaos. I was unrecognizable to my family and friends from childhood. My body was literally digesting itself to keep alive. At six feet tall healthy weight is 185 and I weighed 130 pounds of sucked up madness. I believed the world had wronged me, and I wanted revenge for being born. It all came crashing down and lead me to a 12-step rehabilitation center in Orange County, California on June 27, 2004. This is my sobriety date.
I haven’t found it necessary to take a drink or a drug since that day. It is through the men in recovery that I have obtained my strength, resolve and hope. My work with men in recovery is what keeps me sober. I try to carry the message of hope, it’s my primary purpose. I don’t do it perfectly, nor will I ever. My recovery has led me to expand my spiritual belief system. It has brought me back to my faith in God and Christianity. I have found a sense of community, love, and service. There is no pill or drug that can be taken to fix an alcoholic mind though science has tried. It is my belief that alcoholism is a threefold disease: a spiritual malady, allergy of the body and sickness of the mind. I pray that a person reading this can take something positive away. There is hope. It is possible to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind. No matter how the cards were dealt you, no matter what trauma or chronic disease a person faces, there is a way to recovery. You can have a full life. I am truly blessed and hope to share the good news with the world.
All the best,
JD Ruf